***Attention*** We found a new Harry. Feel free to enjoy this speech below, we'll let you know if we need another Harry in the future.
Are you an expert flaming knife juggler? Do you speak fluent Cantonese with a Peruvian accent? Would you chase someone that stole multiple fries off your plate when you weren't looking, mashed them in their mangy front pockets and started running? Did you get bored cutting snowflakes out of folded construction paper with dull safety scissors in kindergarten?
If you answered yes or no to any of the questions above, your next job might be at DOWNTOWN CHURCH.
If you are ambitious, a winner, too cool for school, consider yourself a Mack, or were born with any natural talent, then your association with this organization, no matter the capacity, will be disappointing.
DOWNTOWN CHURCH is looking for a part-time runner to allow the full time permanent staff to take more breaks. As you can tell from this notice, we don't have a job description. You will be compensated above market rate based on your accumulated years of experience doing work that requires no previous experience.
The only responsibility we are certain you will assume is making the daily lunch run. Beyond that, who knows.
Harry, the strange person in the video above and our first runner, remains the standard by which we will judge all future runners. His farewell speech should tell you what we are looking for - we like Harry.
If you are interested in applying for the job send a 450-475 word essay shamelessly promoting all your past achievements, current interests, and future goals. Send the essay in the body of an email to email@example.com. Do not write it in Microsoft Word and attach it as a PDF or .docx file. The email and its gratuitous attachment requiring an extra click from us will be deleted because we are lazy.
Here are a few other things we suggest you avoid:
- head shots from Olan Mills - exclamation marks in any multiple other than one - emoticons - Comic Sans and Papyrus - mashing the space bar twice after a period - one space is sufficient - telling a lie lie, like "I've always wanted to work at church." No one aspires to work on the support staff of a church, it just happens to you, like chicken pox.