[box style="rounded" border="full"]On Saturday April 27, or maybe the 26th, the trailer was stolen from the intergalactic headquarters of DOWNTOWN CHURCH at 1415 Blanding Street. This is the 3rd time the church has been robbed. Boooo.[/box] Dear Mr. Robber,
Please excuse the irony of this letter. Irony is our way of dealing with unfortunate incidents, conflict, and robbers who steal from churches. We know we aren't special, people get robbed all the time, some even 3 times in 2 years, like us.
Your thievery, though, hit us hard--right between the eyes. The next time you steal our trailer, please do it on a Sunday afternoon. If you had thought to Facebook us or used this contact form on our website, we could have helped you find a more convenient time to schedule your theft. Like many churches, we meet on Sunday. Duh.
Even if you wanted to keep your scheduled theft a secret, like old-school robbers, you should have called after you uploaded the pictures of our chairs and stage on Ebay or Craigslist. By the way, how is that going for you? Church chairs aren't exactly Beanie Babies, are they?
We didn't find out about your robbery until Sunday morning. Have you ever tried to host a church service without chairs? What a nuisance!. It's hard enough to sit through one of my sermons. Standing the whole time is impossible. Maybe that should be your punishment if the police ever find you? Instead of making license plates in prison you should get 5 years of mandatory sermon standing when you go to church!
All this assumes that you knew we were a church. However, I can't ignore the possibility that you thought we were landscapers, a go-kart team, caterers, or wedding deejays. We didn't have our name on the trailer or the truck to which it was attached because we were lazy and had high hopes to sell the trailer naming rights. Have you seen NASCAR? They maximize every inch of exposed fabric, metal, and plastic for advertisements (if you are a British robber it's adVERtisements). Why can't a church do the same thing? Now that you have the trailer, and we don't, feel free to use this marketing strategy. Don't paint the trailer green and try to hide it from us in the woods. Slap the logos of other robbers on each side and charge them for it.
Sorry for the digression. As you know, we have the tendency to get sidetracked and lose focus of the most pressing matters - like securing our trailer.
Seriously though, I would have skipped church on Sunday to see your face when you opened the trailer for the first time when you returned to your secret robber compound that I'm guessing is underground. Unless your daughter is about to get married or you are in a rock and roll band, I'm guessing the sight of 150 stackable folding chairs and a portable stage was disappointing. When I turned 30, I received two pair of old-man's pleated dress pants as a gift. I feel your pain.
Sincerely, Amos Disasa